Grouchy start to the day (nothing new, really)

I am not a morning person, never have been and never will be. I really hate that I am not a morning person. The rest of the world wakes up happy and rested in the morning. They have their coffee or juice, shower and get on with the happy day. I HATE getting out of bed in the morning. I am always sleeping best around the time the alarm goes off. Then I feel groggy, like I'm drugged, for hours. I don't know why, but I can't ever remember waking up and feeling good-ever. Then when things don't go the way they should or someone makes a comment or reacts in a slightly bitchy way to my lack of happiness about being awake, I lose my shit. I really do. I get angry. Why? who  knows. I think part of it is that if my husband has known me for more than 12 years, he should know not to give me any shit in the morning. If he is nice, I am nice. If he starts in with the crap about my attitude or the look on my face or the fact that the sun isn't shining out of my butt... well, let's just say he should KNOW ME by now. Right?

I didn't intend for this to be about that. I just wanted to establish that I am not a morning person. But the truth is, I am not a waking up person. I could get up at 11:00am (instead of 5:50am), and still have my day ruined by the wrong attitude by a person in the room. Honestly, I can't ask a question without getting the attitude first thing. So almost every day of my life, if another adult (or a whiney child) is involved, I have a less than stellar morning. My kids, on the other hand, are morning people. Like super duper, happy, acitve morning people on steriods. So, I try to be "happy" for their sake. As long as it's me and them, I generally do okay. However, my 6 year old tends to get grumpier the longer he is awake. Sometimes, it gets me. Today, he did fine. Today, my husband did fine. The twins, fine as well. it should have been a good morning.

The kids have been out of school since December 18th. They are in year-round school which means they have 3 to 4 week breaks scattered throughout the year. It's pretty awesome. The past 4.5 weeks have gone by quickly, believe it or not. I had a sense of dread about it before the fact, but it was fine. I had lots of help, so it was easier than usual. But, the time flew by and it was shocking. So today was the first day back for the kids. I was a little sad about it and happy at the same time. I enjoy time to myself. I enjoy seeing my twins happy as can be to go the school. School has been the best thing in the world for them. They happily get dressed ad ready for school every morning. They wait with lots of anticipation for their car service to pull in the driveway. The look out the windows, they talk about their jackets and shoes and seeing the white car. My oldest takes the bus to school (he's in kindergarten), so one of us takes him to the bus stop and the other waits behind for the twin's transportation. So the excitement was thick this morning for school. The twins actually seemed to understand today was a school day. They seemed to fall right back into their routine like clockwork. It was all going so well.

Well, I had help with the boys today because my husband had to go out of town by 6:30am. So, Amanda stayed behind with N and J while I went to take A to the Bus. The bus came early- yipee! So, I'm back home early. However, N and J are still home. Their ride usually comes between 7:10 and 7:20 at the latest. Well 7:25 comes, no car. 7:30...7:45... I'm calling, texting the driver, texting the teacher, calling the car company...7:55 still no ride. WTF? This happened once before when there was a substitute driver, but I could reach the car company to tell them I was going to drive them myself since it was 8:15 and school started at 8:00. Today, no one answered. So here I am again driving them to school. They didn't get to school until nearly 8:30. That's not right. I don't mind one little bit taking them to school. I do mind when people are late. I especially mind when no one even attempts to contact me to tell me they are late, or they forgot, or whatever their excuse of the day is. If this was a first time occurrance, I would still be grouchy, but I would get over it quickly and understand that things happen. Today crossed the line (yep, that's 2 chances with me). I had 2 very upset boys (who happen to have autism, which does matter in this case), crying at the windows and throwing themselves on the floor, whining, etc. I'm not good with incompetence and that is how I feel about the car service at this point. I'm writing about it now so I can try and get over it. I'm giving my grouchy to the cyber universe. I don't want it. If I can give it to you for a while, maybe I won't verbally mutilate the car service owner when he calls me in a bit.

Okay, that's my morning. I'm going back to bed  because I can. I hope your day is so much better!

Welcome to what club?

So for the longest time I have wanted to start a blog. I have no idea why, really. I am not witty, or cute or even somewhat funny. I will not be one of the famous bloggers of the world and that's okay with me. Well, maybe in the back of mind I am hoping for recognition and acceptance, but those are my insecurities and not your issues to solve. So here I am, starting a blog.

I read a spectactular letter on a blog 2 days ago that I have to share. Her letter (it's title and contents) are the real reason I am writing tonight. It's called "Welcome to The Club" by Jess Wilson. You can find her Blog (Diary of a Mom) and that entry here: http://jesswilson.wordpress.com/2009/05/01/welcome-to-the-club . She has shared this letter and her blog all over so I think it's okay for me to sing her praises in my little blog. The letter is so incredibly moving I cried, and I felt a kindred spirit for the first time in a long time. It's difficult these days, looking at the autism world and the autism bloggers because there is such a rift between them. I personally feel, no matter where you stand on what causes autism, we all have a common link and should treat each other with respect. I am just as passionate about my beliefs as the next mom, and I fully intend to share those beliefs here. However, no matter my feelings and my research, autism should bring us together in a fight to protect and care for our children now and throughout their lives. If we continue to funnel money into proving vaccines don't cause autism, we all lose.

So what am I refering to when I say, "welcome to what club?" Well I mean Parents, mothers, people suffering from depression, people who feel the need to reach out to strangers by blogging, and of course parents of kids with special needs. I'm in the mommy club, I am a parent of 3 boys, I have suffered from depression since I was a teen, I am here reaching out to total strangers hoping to find community and understanding and I have twins with autism. That's kind of it in a nutshell. I don't feel I really belong to any group so to speak. I quite honestly have a really difficult time with the mommy club. I'm not really a group kind of person, no matter how much I long to be part of something. I try hard to belong somewhere... but alas I am not easily accepted. Part of it is because I don't really belong with the "normal" mom's because my sons are far from it. The things that bond other mothers don't really apply to me in many aspects. Play dates are difficult due to meeting the needs of my twin boys. I don't know. I guess I can get into this another time. I could write forever about the outsider syndrome I seem to be afflicted with!

So, here I am with no real purpose to be out in the blogosphere- if that's what they call it! I will just write and maybe someone will read and maybe not. It's okay if no one reads this because if I pretend no one reads this, I will be more honest. I don't want to say things to make others happy or comfortable. I am not really known for that.