We tend to blame ourselves

Kind of vague I suppose. I don't tend to blog as much as I want because it's something I would prefer to do while alone. I am rarely alone. My husband "works" from home and I have children, thus I am rarely alone. I had horrible dreams about serial killers coming after me, yet I was part of a team of profilers trying to capture him. Yes, I fell asleep with "Criminal Minds" on t.v. and it gets me every time. I have told my hubby about this, but it's my fault for not saying something before falling asleep last night. Anyway, it was a fitful night of sleep to say the least. Then, once I was actually having no bad dreams, my 6 year old wakes me up yelling. I run to his room and he says, " I'm out of water". I resisted the urge to tell him to get it himself and storm back to bed. It's just easier to do it sometimes. However, I will be having a conversation with him about getting his own water from the bathroom sink if he wants water in the middle of the night. He is quite helpless and I know that is our fault.

This is where the title, "we tend to balme ourselves", come in to play. See with 2 boys with special needs, the 3rd feels pretty left out by default. It matters not how much time you spend with them or what special things you do and buy for them, the 2 with issues rule the world in his eyes. In a way, they do rule many aspects of our lives. I mean, we go places they can handle going, we have to dress them and help them eat, we try hard not to say it, but the words "wait, I have to help ____" come out of our mouths more than they should. I sucks to be the other kid. I have always wanted a large family. I would LOVE to have another baby. However, I am 40 and if I already have 2 chidren with autism it is highly probable I will have more. I am most worried that the next child would have even bigger needs and then where would our oldest be? Autism itself doesn't scare me anymore. I accepted it easily as a part of my reality. But it's so not fair for him to accept it, live with it and be the only one... lets just say when hubby and I are gone, he is left with 2 brothers that will probably need him for the rest of his life. That sucks. So he is spoiled, it's our fault, but give the kid a break. He has a difficult life ahead. Life can suck for all of us, but for him-ugh.

I guess I should also qulaify that our oldest son is basically my genetic twin. The poor child already has so many of my issues. He looks just like his dad, but that's where that similarity ends with dad. My husband is a larger than life kind of guy. He is social and loud, he is big and funny. THe oldest boy is none of those things, except big. Just like the child me, he is a loner, but is dying for friends; he already seems to suffer from depression, which I know I did as a child and my entire life; he is moody and broody; he is very intelligent but could care less to use it; he is rebellious and feels he can convince anyone he is right at all times. He is me. At least he seems to have gotten all the bad stuff that is me. Again, how do I NOT blame myself? I did everything to make sure he didn't end up the sad child I was, but he is. I did playgroups, lots of outings and lots of social interatction- all stuff I didn't have. I had one very close friend and one somewhat close friend when I was young. This is a trend that has continued, by the way. I can't keep up with lots of "friends" and be authentic. I can't do a thousand social things and take care of the house and my family. I don't want to put forth the effort to call and do and go, blah! Anyway, I did all that and more for oldest from birth to kindergarten. He is still as anti-social as I am. He's not anti-social in an autism way and neither am I, but I can't help but think maybe this personality trait is a tiny bit responsible in the gentic soup that makes us who we are- for autism. I firmly beleive autism is genetic/biological. It is NOT caused by vaccines or a crappy diet. But it could be caused by an over abundance of my crappy personality traits! (that's a joke) I can carry on a conversation with people, I can act appropriately in public and at parties. But I dread them. I have never gotten past the odd man out feelings I had in High School. I guess my family kind of helped foster that as well. I am the odd man out at times, but I'm not odd. I am funny and likeable, just not overtly social like my husband. My husband could charm a crowd and I'd rather sit and watch.

I have to stop blaming myself so much because it paralyzes me from moving forward. I self-sabotage constantly, always have. No one else in my family does this, so it has to be genetic. Oh, I guess I should mention I was adopted and I am not genetically related to my family. I stick out like a sore thumb in this family, so I have concluded that many, many personality traits have to be genetic. I see it in my own children. I try to not be "me" so much around them. I try to be happy mom and social mom, even when I'd rather be asleep and alone. People say I'm a great mom. HA! Maybe I am, maybe that's what a good mom is. I'm not in it for me anymore. It's all about them! I mean it really is ALL about them. This blog though, is all about my and my feelings, so it may not come across that way. I blame myself.