Kind of vague I suppose. I don't tend to blog as much as I want because it's something I would prefer to do while alone. I am rarely alone. My husband "works" from home and I have children, thus I am rarely alone. I had horrible dreams about serial killers coming after me, yet I was part of a team of profilers trying to capture him. Yes, I fell asleep with "Criminal Minds" on t.v. and it gets me every time. I have told my hubby about this, but it's my fault for not saying something before falling asleep last night. Anyway, it was a fitful night of sleep to say the least. Then, once I was actually having no bad dreams, my 6 year old wakes me up yelling. I run to his room and he says, " I'm out of water". I resisted the urge to tell him to get it himself and storm back to bed. It's just easier to do it sometimes. However, I will be having a conversation with him about getting his own water from the bathroom sink if he wants water in the middle of the night. He is quite helpless and I know that is our fault.
This is where the title, "we tend to balme ourselves", come in to play. See with 2 boys with special needs, the 3rd feels pretty left out by default. It matters not how much time you spend with them or what special things you do and buy for them, the 2 with issues rule the world in his eyes. In a way, they do rule many aspects of our lives. I mean, we go places they can handle going, we have to dress them and help them eat, we try hard not to say it, but the words "wait, I have to help ____" come out of our mouths more than they should. I sucks to be the other kid. I have always wanted a large family. I would LOVE to have another baby. However, I am 40 and if I already have 2 chidren with autism it is highly probable I will have more. I am most worried that the next child would have even bigger needs and then where would our oldest be? Autism itself doesn't scare me anymore. I accepted it easily as a part of my reality. But it's so not fair for him to accept it, live with it and be the only one... lets just say when hubby and I are gone, he is left with 2 brothers that will probably need him for the rest of his life. That sucks. So he is spoiled, it's our fault, but give the kid a break. He has a difficult life ahead. Life can suck for all of us, but for him-ugh.
I guess I should also qulaify that our oldest son is basically my genetic twin. The poor child already has so many of my issues. He looks just like his dad, but that's where that similarity ends with dad. My husband is a larger than life kind of guy. He is social and loud, he is big and funny. THe oldest boy is none of those things, except big. Just like the child me, he is a loner, but is dying for friends; he already seems to suffer from depression, which I know I did as a child and my entire life; he is moody and broody; he is very intelligent but could care less to use it; he is rebellious and feels he can convince anyone he is right at all times. He is me. At least he seems to have gotten all the bad stuff that is me. Again, how do I NOT blame myself? I did everything to make sure he didn't end up the sad child I was, but he is. I did playgroups, lots of outings and lots of social interatction- all stuff I didn't have. I had one very close friend and one somewhat close friend when I was young. This is a trend that has continued, by the way. I can't keep up with lots of "friends" and be authentic. I can't do a thousand social things and take care of the house and my family. I don't want to put forth the effort to call and do and go, blah! Anyway, I did all that and more for oldest from birth to kindergarten. He is still as anti-social as I am. He's not anti-social in an autism way and neither am I, but I can't help but think maybe this personality trait is a tiny bit responsible in the gentic soup that makes us who we are- for autism. I firmly beleive autism is genetic/biological. It is NOT caused by vaccines or a crappy diet. But it could be caused by an over abundance of my crappy personality traits! (that's a joke) I can carry on a conversation with people, I can act appropriately in public and at parties. But I dread them. I have never gotten past the odd man out feelings I had in High School. I guess my family kind of helped foster that as well. I am the odd man out at times, but I'm not odd. I am funny and likeable, just not overtly social like my husband. My husband could charm a crowd and I'd rather sit and watch.
I have to stop blaming myself so much because it paralyzes me from moving forward. I self-sabotage constantly, always have. No one else in my family does this, so it has to be genetic. Oh, I guess I should mention I was adopted and I am not genetically related to my family. I stick out like a sore thumb in this family, so I have concluded that many, many personality traits have to be genetic. I see it in my own children. I try to not be "me" so much around them. I try to be happy mom and social mom, even when I'd rather be asleep and alone. People say I'm a great mom. HA! Maybe I am, maybe that's what a good mom is. I'm not in it for me anymore. It's all about them! I mean it really is ALL about them. This blog though, is all about my and my feelings, so it may not come across that way. I blame myself.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Grouchy start to the day (nothing new, really)
I am not a morning person, never have been and never will be. I really hate that I am not a morning person. The rest of the world wakes up happy and rested in the morning. They have their coffee or juice, shower and get on with the happy day. I HATE getting out of bed in the morning. I am always sleeping best around the time the alarm goes off. Then I feel groggy, like I'm drugged, for hours. I don't know why, but I can't ever remember waking up and feeling good-ever. Then when things don't go the way they should or someone makes a comment or reacts in a slightly bitchy way to my lack of happiness about being awake, I lose my shit. I really do. I get angry. Why? who knows. I think part of it is that if my husband has known me for more than 12 years, he should know not to give me any shit in the morning. If he is nice, I am nice. If he starts in with the crap about my attitude or the look on my face or the fact that the sun isn't shining out of my butt... well, let's just say he should KNOW ME by now. Right?
I didn't intend for this to be about that. I just wanted to establish that I am not a morning person. But the truth is, I am not a waking up person. I could get up at 11:00am (instead of 5:50am), and still have my day ruined by the wrong attitude by a person in the room. Honestly, I can't ask a question without getting the attitude first thing. So almost every day of my life, if another adult (or a whiney child) is involved, I have a less than stellar morning. My kids, on the other hand, are morning people. Like super duper, happy, acitve morning people on steriods. So, I try to be "happy" for their sake. As long as it's me and them, I generally do okay. However, my 6 year old tends to get grumpier the longer he is awake. Sometimes, it gets me. Today, he did fine. Today, my husband did fine. The twins, fine as well. it should have been a good morning.
The kids have been out of school since December 18th. They are in year-round school which means they have 3 to 4 week breaks scattered throughout the year. It's pretty awesome. The past 4.5 weeks have gone by quickly, believe it or not. I had a sense of dread about it before the fact, but it was fine. I had lots of help, so it was easier than usual. But, the time flew by and it was shocking. So today was the first day back for the kids. I was a little sad about it and happy at the same time. I enjoy time to myself. I enjoy seeing my twins happy as can be to go the school. School has been the best thing in the world for them. They happily get dressed ad ready for school every morning. They wait with lots of anticipation for their car service to pull in the driveway. The look out the windows, they talk about their jackets and shoes and seeing the white car. My oldest takes the bus to school (he's in kindergarten), so one of us takes him to the bus stop and the other waits behind for the twin's transportation. So the excitement was thick this morning for school. The twins actually seemed to understand today was a school day. They seemed to fall right back into their routine like clockwork. It was all going so well.
Well, I had help with the boys today because my husband had to go out of town by 6:30am. So, Amanda stayed behind with N and J while I went to take A to the Bus. The bus came early- yipee! So, I'm back home early. However, N and J are still home. Their ride usually comes between 7:10 and 7:20 at the latest. Well 7:25 comes, no car. 7:30...7:45... I'm calling, texting the driver, texting the teacher, calling the car company...7:55 still no ride. WTF? This happened once before when there was a substitute driver, but I could reach the car company to tell them I was going to drive them myself since it was 8:15 and school started at 8:00. Today, no one answered. So here I am again driving them to school. They didn't get to school until nearly 8:30. That's not right. I don't mind one little bit taking them to school. I do mind when people are late. I especially mind when no one even attempts to contact me to tell me they are late, or they forgot, or whatever their excuse of the day is. If this was a first time occurrance, I would still be grouchy, but I would get over it quickly and understand that things happen. Today crossed the line (yep, that's 2 chances with me). I had 2 very upset boys (who happen to have autism, which does matter in this case), crying at the windows and throwing themselves on the floor, whining, etc. I'm not good with incompetence and that is how I feel about the car service at this point. I'm writing about it now so I can try and get over it. I'm giving my grouchy to the cyber universe. I don't want it. If I can give it to you for a while, maybe I won't verbally mutilate the car service owner when he calls me in a bit.
Okay, that's my morning. I'm going back to bed because I can. I hope your day is so much better!
I didn't intend for this to be about that. I just wanted to establish that I am not a morning person. But the truth is, I am not a waking up person. I could get up at 11:00am (instead of 5:50am), and still have my day ruined by the wrong attitude by a person in the room. Honestly, I can't ask a question without getting the attitude first thing. So almost every day of my life, if another adult (or a whiney child) is involved, I have a less than stellar morning. My kids, on the other hand, are morning people. Like super duper, happy, acitve morning people on steriods. So, I try to be "happy" for their sake. As long as it's me and them, I generally do okay. However, my 6 year old tends to get grumpier the longer he is awake. Sometimes, it gets me. Today, he did fine. Today, my husband did fine. The twins, fine as well. it should have been a good morning.
The kids have been out of school since December 18th. They are in year-round school which means they have 3 to 4 week breaks scattered throughout the year. It's pretty awesome. The past 4.5 weeks have gone by quickly, believe it or not. I had a sense of dread about it before the fact, but it was fine. I had lots of help, so it was easier than usual. But, the time flew by and it was shocking. So today was the first day back for the kids. I was a little sad about it and happy at the same time. I enjoy time to myself. I enjoy seeing my twins happy as can be to go the school. School has been the best thing in the world for them. They happily get dressed ad ready for school every morning. They wait with lots of anticipation for their car service to pull in the driveway. The look out the windows, they talk about their jackets and shoes and seeing the white car. My oldest takes the bus to school (he's in kindergarten), so one of us takes him to the bus stop and the other waits behind for the twin's transportation. So the excitement was thick this morning for school. The twins actually seemed to understand today was a school day. They seemed to fall right back into their routine like clockwork. It was all going so well.
Well, I had help with the boys today because my husband had to go out of town by 6:30am. So, Amanda stayed behind with N and J while I went to take A to the Bus. The bus came early- yipee! So, I'm back home early. However, N and J are still home. Their ride usually comes between 7:10 and 7:20 at the latest. Well 7:25 comes, no car. 7:30...7:45... I'm calling, texting the driver, texting the teacher, calling the car company...7:55 still no ride. WTF? This happened once before when there was a substitute driver, but I could reach the car company to tell them I was going to drive them myself since it was 8:15 and school started at 8:00. Today, no one answered. So here I am again driving them to school. They didn't get to school until nearly 8:30. That's not right. I don't mind one little bit taking them to school. I do mind when people are late. I especially mind when no one even attempts to contact me to tell me they are late, or they forgot, or whatever their excuse of the day is. If this was a first time occurrance, I would still be grouchy, but I would get over it quickly and understand that things happen. Today crossed the line (yep, that's 2 chances with me). I had 2 very upset boys (who happen to have autism, which does matter in this case), crying at the windows and throwing themselves on the floor, whining, etc. I'm not good with incompetence and that is how I feel about the car service at this point. I'm writing about it now so I can try and get over it. I'm giving my grouchy to the cyber universe. I don't want it. If I can give it to you for a while, maybe I won't verbally mutilate the car service owner when he calls me in a bit.
Okay, that's my morning. I'm going back to bed because I can. I hope your day is so much better!
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Welcome to what club?
So for the longest time I have wanted to start a blog. I have no idea why, really. I am not witty, or cute or even somewhat funny. I will not be one of the famous bloggers of the world and that's okay with me. Well, maybe in the back of mind I am hoping for recognition and acceptance, but those are my insecurities and not your issues to solve. So here I am, starting a blog.
I read a spectactular letter on a blog 2 days ago that I have to share. Her letter (it's title and contents) are the real reason I am writing tonight. It's called "Welcome to The Club" by Jess Wilson. You can find her Blog (Diary of a Mom) and that entry here: http://jesswilson.wordpress.com/2009/05/01/welcome-to-the-club . She has shared this letter and her blog all over so I think it's okay for me to sing her praises in my little blog. The letter is so incredibly moving I cried, and I felt a kindred spirit for the first time in a long time. It's difficult these days, looking at the autism world and the autism bloggers because there is such a rift between them. I personally feel, no matter where you stand on what causes autism, we all have a common link and should treat each other with respect. I am just as passionate about my beliefs as the next mom, and I fully intend to share those beliefs here. However, no matter my feelings and my research, autism should bring us together in a fight to protect and care for our children now and throughout their lives. If we continue to funnel money into proving vaccines don't cause autism, we all lose.
So what am I refering to when I say, "welcome to what club?" Well I mean Parents, mothers, people suffering from depression, people who feel the need to reach out to strangers by blogging, and of course parents of kids with special needs. I'm in the mommy club, I am a parent of 3 boys, I have suffered from depression since I was a teen, I am here reaching out to total strangers hoping to find community and understanding and I have twins with autism. That's kind of it in a nutshell. I don't feel I really belong to any group so to speak. I quite honestly have a really difficult time with the mommy club. I'm not really a group kind of person, no matter how much I long to be part of something. I try hard to belong somewhere... but alas I am not easily accepted. Part of it is because I don't really belong with the "normal" mom's because my sons are far from it. The things that bond other mothers don't really apply to me in many aspects. Play dates are difficult due to meeting the needs of my twin boys. I don't know. I guess I can get into this another time. I could write forever about the outsider syndrome I seem to be afflicted with!
So, here I am with no real purpose to be out in the blogosphere- if that's what they call it! I will just write and maybe someone will read and maybe not. It's okay if no one reads this because if I pretend no one reads this, I will be more honest. I don't want to say things to make others happy or comfortable. I am not really known for that.
I read a spectactular letter on a blog 2 days ago that I have to share. Her letter (it's title and contents) are the real reason I am writing tonight. It's called "Welcome to The Club" by Jess Wilson. You can find her Blog (Diary of a Mom) and that entry here: http://jesswilson.wordpress.com/2009/05/01/welcome-to-the-club . She has shared this letter and her blog all over so I think it's okay for me to sing her praises in my little blog. The letter is so incredibly moving I cried, and I felt a kindred spirit for the first time in a long time. It's difficult these days, looking at the autism world and the autism bloggers because there is such a rift between them. I personally feel, no matter where you stand on what causes autism, we all have a common link and should treat each other with respect. I am just as passionate about my beliefs as the next mom, and I fully intend to share those beliefs here. However, no matter my feelings and my research, autism should bring us together in a fight to protect and care for our children now and throughout their lives. If we continue to funnel money into proving vaccines don't cause autism, we all lose.
So what am I refering to when I say, "welcome to what club?" Well I mean Parents, mothers, people suffering from depression, people who feel the need to reach out to strangers by blogging, and of course parents of kids with special needs. I'm in the mommy club, I am a parent of 3 boys, I have suffered from depression since I was a teen, I am here reaching out to total strangers hoping to find community and understanding and I have twins with autism. That's kind of it in a nutshell. I don't feel I really belong to any group so to speak. I quite honestly have a really difficult time with the mommy club. I'm not really a group kind of person, no matter how much I long to be part of something. I try hard to belong somewhere... but alas I am not easily accepted. Part of it is because I don't really belong with the "normal" mom's because my sons are far from it. The things that bond other mothers don't really apply to me in many aspects. Play dates are difficult due to meeting the needs of my twin boys. I don't know. I guess I can get into this another time. I could write forever about the outsider syndrome I seem to be afflicted with!
So, here I am with no real purpose to be out in the blogosphere- if that's what they call it! I will just write and maybe someone will read and maybe not. It's okay if no one reads this because if I pretend no one reads this, I will be more honest. I don't want to say things to make others happy or comfortable. I am not really known for that.
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